The day I thought I was gonna die

Was the day I realized how to live

No, I didn’t make a bucket list

Nor did I set out to find the meaning of my life

I didn’t shatter into pieces either

For all I did was started begging to the universe

For a healthy long life, for a clueless second chance

This is all I did

This is all I wished for

I wondered why

Did I love life or was I afraid to die?

But all I could think of was how I have not lived

This thought felt like a place I have never visited before

Just like the 10 times I wrote the same line in my school homework without ever making sense of it

This thought kept coming to me without even a tinge of comprehension

May be it meant that I didn’t truly fully explore the world

No, I don’t mean visiting exotic places or life changing experiences

I mean just living in the present moment

Living the life I was gifted with

Not enjoying the first rays of sunlight that I claimed I loved so much but only just blabbering about it on Instagram posts

Not listening to the music of my breathe every time I inhaled the world

Dreaming, always dreaming, but only about how I want others to see me

Or the version of me I’d like the best while forgetting to even acknowledge the version of myself that kept redeeming itself over and over again to fit in this extravagant narrative of myself

Never having truly lived as completely me in the world I was born

I realized what the thought meant

It meant I no longer can avoid myself

For I had limited time

That I could either spend dreaming and trying to fit in my own unjustified versions

Or I could for once and for all find out what it is to truly be me

Suddenly the body I so wanted to change to fit the definitions of perfection seemed a much nicer place to inhabit

My mind seemed to co-operate whenever I decided to seek refuge in the present moment

This was a new world

Devoid of sadness and discomfort and repulsion

This was the world where the seeds of happiness, self-love and healing could be sowed easily

A place that I always longed for

Was right here within me.