Call Me by Your Name — A parenting lesson
The following thoughts are solely blessed on the movie and do not refer to any parts in the book.
In the backseat of Leo and Oliver’s charming flirtations and a heartwarming lovestory, lies a hidden and precious parenting lesson. This movie influenced by the bestselling novel of the same name is a complete treat with its picturesque Italian summers, Timothee’s (Elio) seductive innocence and the beautiful cobbled-path city. However, the most precious gem that often goes unnoticed among Elio and Oliver’s romantic escapades is the amazing parent-child relationship shown in the movie between Elio and his parents.
Right from the beginning of the movie, we see Elio’s parents being cool as a lemonade in a hot summer while giving him the space he needs. They are not overly conscious of their young son’s budding puberty and aloofness nor are they completely disconnected or unaware. Whether it’s over breakfast or sharing a conversation with Oliver, Leo’s parents seem to give him the space he requires in every social setting. Instead of prying on their young son’s summer adventures, they step back and let him indulge and experience everything.
Elio’s parents are aware of what’s unfolding between Oliver and him, they are also somehow aware that this is not going to be his forever lovestory and that he is bound to suffer heartbreak. But instead of trying to overly protect their son from the perils of an abrupt end of summer romance, they let him devour everything good, bad and ugly of his first encounters with romantic love.
Neither do they try to indulge him or soothe him when Oliver leaves Elio heartbroken. Instead, they make the space, their son needs to mourn his broken heart and mend its pieces.
Elio and his father
One of the most striking and the most wonderful moments in the movie for me, is not between Elio and Oliver but between Elio and his father. When Elio is heartbroken after Oliver’s departure his father doesn’t talk to him like a parent consoling a child but instead approaches the conversation as someone who has sailed the same boat and has experienced the same kind of love and pain. Instead of trying to put a band-aid on his teary-eyed son’s breakup, he does something more profound that may be detested by most parents — becoming vulnerable in front of his child. He shares his own experience of a similar heartbreak. He even honestly confides to Elio that he didn’t pursue or explore this love with the kind of intensity his son did and that he envies his courage to fall in love and get his heart broken
This particular conversation signifies the most important aspect of a parent-child relationship and i.e. its need for constant evolution and the consistent work needed to do so. This however, remains widely unacknowledged in most cultures across the world.
Especially, in India, this relationship is considered more authoritarian, the reins of which become more controlling as the kids reach puberty. Not only is each and every decision of the child monitored by the parents (in most cases, not all) but there’s also an element of morality that is attached to young romantic endeavors. Teenagers experiencing sexual and romantic attraction for the first time, are not only left completely alone in this new labyrinth but also made to feel morally wrong about having ventured into this forbidden territory.
Even when the conversations are being had, it is more of a parent talking to a child rather than a conversation between two people who have walked the same path. There’s an unsaid and unspoken air that the parent needs to protect the child or that the parent knows better than the child.
No two people see the same tree
This notion that age is directly proportional to wisdom, is however flawed and sometimes becomes the reason for strained parent-child relationship. In the words of Byron Katie, ‘no two people see the same tree. No two people see the same world’. Every person perceives the world from their own unique lens and this perception builds an inimitable reality. It is, then, safe to say that there are as many realities and as many universes as there are people on this planet.
The parent-child relationship, especially, in cultures where parents are considered superior is based on the assumption that children inhabit the world created by their parents. So, it is always granted that the child’s experiences, beliefs and even lifestyles must fall into the brackets designed or experienced by the parent. While this could be true to some extent, we forget to consider that experiences can be similar but not identical. No matter, how similar one individual is to others (friends, family and loved ones) there will always be parts of our puzzles that have a slightly different edge, curve or shape.
Hence, parents, teachers or other adults, can always be guiding compasses (sometimes, not always) but not decision-makers. And whether or not to follow the directions suggested by their guiding adults is a choice that must be completely made by every individual themselves.
Heartbreak and parents
When it comes to romantic relationships, parents tend to overly protect the child instead of teaching the child that heartbreak is inevitable on the path of romantic love. This kind of cocooning by parents makes the child feel like heartbreak is some kind of devilish, steep fall that they need to avoid at all costs and that it’s something completely unbearable to experience. This keeps the child from developing emotional resilience needed to go through the ups and downs of romance and intimacy. As a result, we see too many people who develop eternal bitterness from their romantic failures. And sooner than we realize, the world becomes a place of too many hearts that are broken but none mended.
Elio’s parent’s approach to his blooming summer romance, his sexual exploration and his heartbreak teaches us that each and every individual must be encouraged to experience romance, heartbreak and everything that comes along with it by their primary caretakers foremost. And that all they need is a little bit of courage to embrace their vulnerability and loved ones who are patient enough to see us rise as well as fall.
Leaving here the profound words of Elio’s father. These words are not only a lesson but also soothing balm for the grieving heart.
“Right now you may not want to feel anything. Maybe you never wanted to feel anything and maybe it’s not me you want to be speak about these things but feel something you obviously did. Look you had a beautiful friendship, maybe more than a friendship. And I envy you. In my place, most parents would hope the whole thing goes away, or pray that their sons land on their feet soon enough. But I am not such a parent. We rip out so much of ourselves to be cured of things faster than we should that we go bankrupt by the age of 30 and have less to offer each time we start with someone new. But to feel nothing so as not to feel anything — what a waste! Have I spoken out of turn? Then I’ll say one more thing it’ll clear the air. I may have come close but I never had what you two have. Something always held me back or stood in the way.
How you live your life is your business just remember our hearts and our bodies are given to us only once and before you know it your hearts worn out and as for your body there comes a point when no one looks at it much less wants to come near it. Right now there’s sorrow, pain don’t kill it and with it the joy you felt.”
I guess, the biggest lesson, Call Me By Your Name gives on parenting is by showing when not to be a parent.
